I'm beginning to realize how random life truly is. How wonderful and awful. How beautiful and terrifying. I have not posted for a long time. A really, really long time. I think the last time my dad had just gotten a transplant. And he's doing pretty good. It's weird. I don't know if you understand this, but he was dying for almost five years and it was terrifying, feeling he was going to just disappear one day and then waking up and realizing he's okay. HE IS OKAY. It's nice too. I love it.
My mom, she's a different story. I don't know what's going on. When my dad was dying, they explained it to me. They explained what was happening, they explained the medicine, why he was grumpy, and happy a second later. They sat me down and told me and let me ask questions. With my mom, she's going through stomach problems. Too much stress caused some things to go wrong and she's had multiple surgeries to fix it but it doesn't help. She can hardly eat. It's like I'm watching her die and she puts a smile on her face and says everything is okay. And then she'll say she can't live this way. It's confusing and scary and I'm scared she is dying or something because no one explains.
Jeni, she has experienced some loss. Edwin, one of her friend's die a year ago almost to the day and I can't imagine. I'm grateful I can't. I love her a lot and she's a pretty happy person and it's crazy how strong she is. When she goes through something hard, she fights to get past. It does not matter if she barely makes it, she makes it. I on the other hand am a totally different story. I tend to drag my feet a lot, and I bring others down when I'm in a bad mood. That's a huge flaw.
Me, I don't know what's up. I wish there was manual to life. I need that. A lot. I'm sad for no reason, I get so terrified with simple tasks and screwing them up. I can't sleep most nights. I can't eat. I'm just not hungry and I'm not sure if it's the medicine that is supposed to help me sleep (Trazodone) which has a side effect of weight change, appetite change. (I find it weird that I am on a medicine to help me sleep that commonly causes insomnia, that just seems odd) I lost my passion for photography. I lost it and I miss it. So much. And I'm lost. I just am. I see a therapist named Atkins for my anxiety, I don't think it's helping. I don't feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone. Only my friends, like Ash or Cookie. Those two no more about me than anybody else. Not even Jeni.
I'm not sure if it's just coping with everything around me, fear of rejection, or what. I don't see myself going to college anymore because I can't do simple homework assignments. I'm stressed. I didn't think I could be this stressed. I don't get how I'm supposed to get into college with a scholarship. I don't have enough time to balance the eight classes I have along with extracurricular activities, community service and also get 8 hours of sleep. I'm exhausted and I keep telling myself this too shall pass, but I feel stuck. I can't breathe. Everyone yells too. I feel like no one realizes I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying not to fall asleep in class. I'm trying not to get yelled at. But all everyone ever sees are the screw ups. I got a 64% on my math test. I need to work harder? I studied for eight hours beforehand, listened to my tutor and asked the teacher for extra help. Did that work? Obviously not.
I am drowning. I can't breathe. I'm terrified of disappointing anyone, but I don't think I've made anyone proud in a while.
I went to DC for two weeks this summer with my mom's friend to hang out with her kid. It was the worst experience of my life. I am not exaggerating. There was not a single moment I was dry eyed. I almost ran away too. I had it all planned. I had $400 and I was just going to leave because I could not take it. I was being treated like I was scum by this lady I hardly knew, and her kid. And I was getting yelled at by not only them, but my parents because this lady would tell my mom all the awful things my sister and I would do that didn't happen. Meanwhile my sister would be mad at me and it was confusing. I would defend myself, and I would come across as snarky, and I would stay quiet to avoid being snarky and I'd be uncooperative because I wouldn't acknowledge. If I made a decision she didn't like, I'd be trying to ruin things for everyone, but if I said I had no preference, just what everyone else wanted then I would be not cooperating and I couldn't win.
I hate DC and it's not fair because it's an amazing place, but I didn't get to enjoy it because Simon "Saw it all" and wanted to stay home and play board games. And then he'd tell his mother we wouldn't let him go see the things she wanted. I'm sorry, but you cannot see it all ever. There's always something new. And the only peace I had was exploring by myself. Usually when everyone was asleep. I was too miserable to sleep. I slept about three hours total during those two weeks, ate nothing and cried, but I gained muscle from walking at night.
I just walked. It got to the point I didn't care if I got attacked by someone, or hit by a car, I was praying for it. That's how sad I was. I'd walk and I'd sit on the roof at 4am and I'd get back by 6:15 so Maureen could wake up and get up and leave for work when her alarm went off at 6:25 and then I'd leave again at 7:35 after she left for work and be back by noon when Simon and Jeni woke up. Then I'd listen to Simon explain to his mom at dinner how he was always the first awake and we refused to get up and I'd laugh. He was so rude and mean, and I hope I never see the pair again because I have so much I want to say and I don't want to because I don't want to be awful.
I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but I'm sad a lot. And tired. I can't sleep and it sucks a lot. I get angry very easily and I am kind of just a mean person even when I try not to be. It isn't fair. So, life is good. Life is bad. Life is everything in between.
I better go, I still have an AP outline due and my essay I need to write in Spanish. And I don't know if anyone reads this, but if you do and have a manual to life, please feel free to share with me because I'm not doing too hot. But at least I'm semi-learning. Just the hard way I suppose. Tears, counseling, meds, the whole shabam. I made it sound worst than it is, but I don't feel like erasing. Oops.
Oh yeah, I've become obsessed with Fifth Harmony (from X Factor) for multiple reasons which I won't say because it probably sounds stupid. But anyway, I've always been obsessed with Demi Lovato and together they got me through the last year. They have because they are a great distraction. I can even say they saved my life because I felt desperate enough to die after something Simon said because I was in a pretty awful place and he used that and the fact no one was around to be a completely awful person. Anyway I listened to some interviews with Fifth Harmony and Demi and I ended up forgetting and being okay for a while. So I just want to meet them someday, that's my goal. To thank them for existing. I'd tell my family they saved my life but I guarantee that they would say it was stupid and I was being stupid too. But I can guarantee I would not be here. I was done and I never want to feel like that ever again.
Hopefully I can. They're touring together. Maybe I can find a way to Arizona (Glendale) in February and meet them. I won't though, this is Utah, it would cost way too much and I know my family can't afford it and even if they could get tickets, I wouldn't be able to physically meet them. But it's okay. You do what you can.
For now, I better get going. I should try to sleep, or finish my homework, or study for my chemistry test, so I'll do one of the above. And I'll cry.
Who knows? Maybe I'll wake up and have a burning passion for photography.
Oh and I forgot to mention I'm involved with a school musical. (Charlie and The Chocolate Factory) This girl is sound crewhead :) which means I'm in charge of making sure everyone can hear the singing little oompa loopmas and even Jeni who plays a grandparent. That kind of scares me. A lot. I'm doing it by myself and I have to figure out how to make six microphones work, choose who gets one, make sure floor mics are placed along the floor and that the orchestra can be heard along with the actors and that everyone can hear anything and it just so happens that the School District decided it was time to install a new sound board. Cool right? Wrong. Annie offered to help me because she's been sound crewhead for like three years in a row and now that it's her last year they decided to put her as painting crewhead and she can't help me because (As she says not me) "This looks totally different, I'm not sure where the gain is anymore (signal booster I think) or the volume (self explanatory) so I'm not sure." So that will be hard. I'll get through this. I will. I'll do it if it kills me, but I just wanted a simple job. I was hoping for construction crewhead or something because I know that. I could design a set. But nope, Ash is that.
I'll manage, there will be a lot of tears out of frustration in the process, Oh well. Stress will be a problem this month, but I'm the one who signed up for tech on the musical and I can't just quit because it's tough because then I guarantee I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Who knows? Maybe this will be the best experience of my life?
Back to homework. It's only 1am. Puedo hacer esto! (I don't know if that's right. But I am in Spanish for native speakers because of a schedule error and I need to try) I can do this! I have an essay to write in Spanish and I will resist using a translator. Or maybe I should study for my chem test. (I'm just going to spend an hour deciding and being annoyed with my lack of decision making.)
Oh and I also got my permit a month ago. Scary. No really, scary. It's not that I'm a bad driver, I'm just scared of hurting someone. And I'm afraid I'll make a judgment error. SO maybe I am a bad driver. I don't know. I lack confidence, but I make up for that in rambling and bad jokes. Or at least I hope I do. Goodbye for now, until we meet again.